REVIEW: BURNOUT PARADISE: INCOMING IMPRESSIONS

After the modestly successful Mass Effect review a few months ago, I had been intending to do another, but honestly there hasn't been a release worth my time until recently.

Burnout: Paradise is the fifth entry into a series that has seen life across two console generations, but really the only one worth mentioning is Burnout 3: Takedown. Takedown was easily one of the best games of the last generation, and is currently downloadable as an Xbox Original alongside such superlative examples of game design and execution as Halo, Indigo Prophecy, and Golden-Idol-To-Gaming-Everywhere PSYCHONAUTS.

I played the demo of Paradise around New Years, so I know a little of what to expect. I know that the music and the announcer are going to be atrocious, and that the game boasts a new open world model and has removed the puzzle-like Crash events. I'm expecting speed, wicked awesome damage modeling, and the gleeful sense of recklessness that made Takedown such an honored member of my original Xbox library.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES

6:15 pm Weird sound sopping during logos. I didn't know Criterion had developed this as well, that's a good sign.

6:17 pm Instead of being assaulted by some scremo Fallout Boy-inspired jarkoff session upon loading, I'm welcomed by Guns n' Roses seminal anthem. It does raise the question though; if EA has the rights for this song, why the fuck isn't it in Rock Band?

6:20 Sultry intro video explaining that every race ends at one of eight key locations, all on a compass point. Not sure how I feel about that.

6:21 Progress in the game is done by acquiring new Licenses and, through them, new Cars. My license picture is my default Profile picture (Raz, from the aforementioned Golden Idol of Gaming) but if was one of the fifteen people with an Xbox Camera, I could use my own face. (Or balls) Also, I'm getting sick of Paradise City, the song, already.

6:26 My first song, once leaving the junkyard with my new wheels, is by LCD Soundsystem! A quick scan of the song list (Sorry, 'EA Trax' *shudder*) reveals Depeche Mode, Faith No More, and Soundgarden. Unfortunately they make up four songs in a 57 song list.
Mute.
Open iTunes.
Black Mountain.

6:32 My first event is.. I forget what it's called, but it involves taking out as many of my opponents as possible before time runs out, or they take me out enough times to permanently destroy my car. Events are started by pulling up to a set of lights and pulling both triggers, which is pretty cool. The handling of my first car isn't great, but that's to expected. Once I got back into the Burnout groove, it was like riding a bike again; speed and offensive driving are major, and the game has a very palpable risk/reward system. The crashes are highly satisfying when you cause them, and sickeningly sudden when you get taken out. Black Mountain rocks.

6:33 Oh yeah; when you complete an event, win or lose, the race just ends and you're dumped right where you were when time ran out, or you crossed the finish line, or whatever. Going through this game methodically getting every event and secret (Which is something I probably won't do) would be a huge pain in the ass.

6:45 Holy living fuck this game is fun!

7:01 Just had my first 'Showtime' event, which I guess is what the Crash mode from the other games turned into. Anytime when you're driving around, you can hold down both bumpers to go into 'Showtime' which basically allows you to control your flipping, spinning wreck along a major road, smashing into cars and using the A button to keep yourself going. Hitting buses and trucks, and smashing signs, gives you multipliers. I caused over $700,000 in just one run.

7:19 When you leave the controls alone for a few seconds, the games goes in to 'Picture mode' and the camera just sort of floats around the city, presenting Paradise City as a serene, beautiful place until your shit-tossing, flame eating, cock-for-brains friends come blasting through it at 120 mph like HEMI-powered chrome death engines riding jets of burning ethanol.

7:29 Just had a cool moment: During a race from the mountains down to the city I got pushed off the road and missed the entrance to a key tunnel that everyone else managed to get into. Since you can't quit mid-event, something I thought I would hate but now love, I had to find my way back onto the track through back roads and canals. When I finally did get back into the city, the race was still going on! I managed to come at the finish line from a totally different angle and win the race. Cool stuff.

7:32 Playing this game listening to the heavy metal mix Seann made for me is what dreams are made of; this is the reason fist-pumping was invented.

2:11 The Next Day: Just used my first 'Speed' class car. There seem to be three classes of cars, and each have different boost characteristics. Speed class cars can only use their boost when it's full, and if you use all of it at once, it fills right back up again allowing you to speed for about four times as long as the other car classes. Doing this in a 'Marked Man' event (Where you have to get to a checkpoint while four powerful cars try to take you out) I was going so fast I decided to sit up higher in my seat to see better.